Starting Over...Again.

Hello blogland,

After working way too much, eating too much, not sleeping enough, and feeling very stressed I have finished all of my events at work and feel ready to start devoting myself to weight loss the way I had before. I think I just forgot how much it actually takes to devote myself to this and I keep thinking, it should be easier if I already did it...but I really think about that time and it was the number one thing in my mind almost all the time. So, anyway, I am feeling more confident and committed to this than I have in a long time. So that's that.

Anders and I have decided to go to Ecuador over Thanksgiving and it provides a really excellent goal for losing weight and making my leg better so that we can do all of the physically demanding/amazing activities there are like mountain climbing and swimming and hiking and walking miles and miles and miles. So very excited.

On Monday we decided on a whim to go to St. Croix river. For $40 you can rent a canoe, life jackets, and get a shuttle to pick you up and take back the canoe. It was really fun and I'd highly recommend it. It was a perfect day.



Turtles are cute.


"We're canoing!"


On the shuttle home.

My goal tonight is to grocery shopping with a couple of recipes in mind and cooking and the Y tomorrow. Off to my gentle yoga class.

Up, up and away

So much has happened over the last month or two. Basically it was decided that my knee was not the problem and that the last 6 - 7 months of endless stretching, copays, and physical therapy sessions were a waste. The good news is that it was determined that the problem is my ankle and we are working to improve it. The pain has improved A LOT. I can sleep at night and don't feel like one leg weighs 100 lbs more than the other. I'm slowly easing back into exercise and have started doing personal training at the Y. I have a weight lifting routine that I really like and for the first time in ages I look forward going to the Y because I don't just have to walk slowly/backwards on the treadmill. Hurrah. I'm up to 147.5, which sucks, because that's a 7.5 lb gain since August, but considering that physically I was very limited, it makes me feel less bad. However, I feel like I'm back on the road to recovery because I finally have options again that felt like they were missing so long.

I feel like this is what I write in every blog, but I have faith that I can really hunker down and do it. I have support from Anders and my friend Maddie, I can do physical activity again, I am not so insanely busy and have time to cook, and I'm just in that place where I can say no to things.

A brownie came with my salad today and I left it on the plate. The owner of the business noticed and said "So that's how you stay so trim." It felt really good.

I do think one of my challenges is kind of feeling like I'm in it alone...I'm considering doing meetings over lunch break, but we'll see.

Here are some of my fitness goals. I'd like to get down to 135 lbs and I would like to be able to do a push up. That's right, after 8 months with no strength training or intensive cardio, I cannot even do an on my knees girl push up. I am like an unmolded lump of clay who will be carved into some sort powerful Norse God.

That's all folks.

Cleanse me. I dare you.

So after drinking too much and then eating Perkins pancakes Friday night I woke up Saturday morning feeling sick and sad and sorry for my body and took the advice of a colleague and went on a cleanse. 2 days fruits and vegetables, 2 days juice, water, or tea, 2 days fruits and veggies again. I am on day three. I supplemented the first two days by also allowing myself to have some nuts. I'm drinking water like crazy and after feeling pretty exhausted Sunday, I'm feeling better today. The craziest part is that I am not hungry. I just feel like I need a reset for my body. I've gotten back into this habit of not sleeping enough, not exercising, working too much, eating too much, go to bed and do it again. I've gained 3 lbs in the last month, which is by far my most significant gain in the last year over the shortest period of time. I just need a reset.

In other news, I have far too much work to do in a humanly possible timespan, my dad is going into surgery today to have half of his foot amputated after 15 years of infections, one of Anders consumers (he works at a group home) has been diagnosed with swine flu and Anders doesn't have health insurance and he has to be in very close proximity with them all day.

This week is going to be intense.

Hello out there

Hello my two friends in weight watcher land.

So I am getting back on the weight watchers wagon more or less. I tracked everything one week, came within my points and lost 1.5 lbs. But then fell off the wagon. This week I've been back on the wagon, tracking everything and not feeling super jazzed about how I look. I keep buying clothes but am realizing that the problem is not the clothes, it's how I feel about my body. Despite the fact that I am still 12 lbs less than I was this time last year, I do not feel good about how I look. Even when I'm losing weight, I've also been losing muscle and I can feel it. Problem is that most of the things I've been trying make my knee hurt, so I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place.

I started ignoring my body all winter and now that spring is here, I'm definitely feeling more self aware. I am going to be a copycat and make goals for this month.

1. Track everything for the month of may.
2. Try to get 10 activity points a week (I can only do low impact exercise = low activity points)
3. Try and get Yolanda in touch with physical therapist so they can outline a reasonable weight training plan. I would like to get this accomplished by next week. 5/07
4. Do better at monitoring leg pain so I can get a better idea of what's causing it.
5. See Acupuncturist for leg pain.
6. Get rid of a lot of clothing - I'm overwhelmed by all my clothing that makes me feel less than fabulous. I need to pare down my wardrobe to the things that make me feel really great. I want to try and get rid of 20 items. I think that's a good goal.
7. Buy new running shoes.
8. Cook a meal for the week every weekend.


I think these are good.

...

Oh dear.

I fell off the meltdown wagon. I had my final weigh out. I lost .6 lbs, which is basically a poop and it turns out I gained fat and I lost muscle. I was really hoping for better results because although I didn't necessarily eat well, I started biking, was walking more. Granted these were in small intervals, but I was hoping it would be a small improvement, but not a loss. I've been gaining a pound a month, more or less, since November and I say "Oh it's just a pound" but that's how I got to be where I was before and I don't want to be there again.

Sneaky feelings

I attribute my success last summer to exercising A LOT and I loved it and without that it's so hard to stay motivated, especially because I don't have the room for AP's. Blah blah blah. But I signed up for swimming lessons and I'm biking 15 minutes a day now which is a big improvement from 0.

So, I am going to try and make a food plan.

For tomorrow it will be:

Yogurt, cereal, fruit - 3 points or Egg white, english muffin, beans - 3
Apple for a morning snack - 1
Lunch - Turkey Sandwich with fat free mayo, sprouts, tomato and spinach - 4
String Cheese - 1
Yogurt - 1
Split Pea Soup with feta, English Muffin - 8 OR a Vegetarian Burrito which is
1 Beer - 3
Kashi Granola Bar: 2

Grand total: 23

Okay, that's my map to navigate through the day with a delicious bottle of beer included.

Here goes.

News

Things have felt so crazy and busy lately. To make a long story short - I got into the Leadership Institute with MNCN which I am so thrilled about and want to give a shout out to Nicole for helping me with the application process. I am looking forward to how much I will learn from this training and the opportunities it will provide to improve the work I am doing now and in the future.

I was on channel 9 news on Thursday night and it was kind of funny and embarrassing and cool because it was for the mural project and I think the kids that worked on it will be really excited to know that it got covered. Too bad some A-hole tagged it the day the news crew decided to come. Luckily I was able to get it down.

I've been having night terrors where I see people in my room or weird things flying around and I talked to a sleep specialist who said there is a chance I have sleep apnea or epilepsy. The third possibility he mentioned is that I am just so sleep deprived that when I do sleep it's so intense and moves into the deepest stage so quickly that it overwhelms my little brain. I think that's the most likely cause and a good reminder that I need to slow down a little bit. Literally almost every hour I've had in the past 2 weeks has been accounted for, and my brain is taking it's wrath on me for it.

WW has been okay....I was really good last week, weighed myself early, saw that I gained and went into my whole "Who cares anyway then?!?!" and was bad the rest of the weekend. This week is better, I'm trying to be strategic and plan carefully and drink water and doing the best I can. I also found an old picture of myself and it was a good little reminder of how far I've come and that I need to stay motivated. Check it!




I've never really looked at before and after pictures side by side. It's a good reminder as to why I need to stay on track. The doctors scale said I was 146.6 on the scale with regular clothes on. Still...scary. 6 lbs from my lowest weight. I don't want to be back at that bad feeling place again. I need to work now before I let all this progress slip through my fingers.

Me on the Right. Sara touching my boob. Oh yeah!

Here is a photo from Guerilla Gay Bar where a bunch of GLBTA folks get together and go to a non-gay bar and dance and have fun. This was taken Saturday night at Bar Abilene and I was wearing a really short skirt and the top is lowcut and I was wearing a crazy headband thing and I felt really good and confident and looking at this picture I can say "Damn, I look good!"

This is good, and I think feelings like these are a constant, uplifting reminder that although I still have some weight to lose, I feel better about myself than I ever have before and when those icky voices come, to push them away and focus on progress.

Speaking of progress, I did not have much this past week. The boyfriend's family dinner and then a potluck pushed me over the edge this week and altogether I went into -35 points. Yes, -35. Oy vey. That's about the worst I've ever done. But it's a new week and I feel better. I wrote out a meal plan and it's totally working. I had my afternoon snack and it was just like "Okay, I had my ONE snack and now I am done until dinner time." I think the more structure I can create, the better.

Yesterday I went and played in the pool with my friend Sara, it was really fun and did not hurt my leg and made me feel winded, which is a feeling I have not had in so long! It was great, right after I signed up for three swimming lessons at the Y! It's a totally different environment for me, so I think it will be a really exciting change. Today after work I have the nordic walking workshop, which will be held indoors and I am expecting that it will be kind of funny and lame. I did hear that it is really good for people with injuries and that it boosts the physical benefits of walking. I am going to be like these folks in no time.


I tried out Wii fit for the first time and really enjoyed it. A lot of my injuries have to do with balance and a lack thereof and I am wondering if Wii fit would be a good way to work on it, in addition to many other methods. Does that seem naive? Would you recommend the purchase of a wii?