This blog sucks. I know it does. There is no content, realizations, no elevation or lift. Just the grumblings of a frustrated girl who is trying to lose weight.
Well, here it is. I promised myself I would be sooooo good and lose weight for my brother's wedding and I tried. And then I gained three weeks in a row during weeks where in my Joanna way, I was really trying, and it wasn't enough apparently. So the wind got blown out of my sails and I. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore. My resolve comes in and then washes away like the tides and I'm left feeling guilty and unattractive because I have chosen a number that I "should" be at and as long as I am not at that number I have failed. I can't lose the way I could before and I don't see results because I am very physically limited compared to the past, a whole other fact that makes me feel sorry for myself. And then all this feeling sorry for myself keeps me from achieving anything at all and when I do achieve something I undo it with negative thinking or, in tonight's case, with disgusting nachos set right in front of my face at a Champps in Richfield and I don't even want them but they are right there and I have one chip and then I just keep going partially because I just want it and partially to punish myself for failing. Again.
Oh man, I don't mean to get into the nitty gritty like this and this is the most personal an entry of mine has ever become but I am just realizing that this isn't working for me. I don't want to do this anymore. I am seriously thinking about QUITTING.
But I don't really do that either. So I am re-evaluating. I am changing my goal weight. The fact is I am already well into my healthy weight range and I only chose 135 because it was just there - floating in front of me. I don't know what it even means but I am realizing that it feels totally unattainable and impossible and I think that's why I never even get close - it feels out of reach. I felt my very best when I was 140 lbs and that's going to be my new goal. I am between 5 - 6 lbs and I know it's possible because I have done it before. And after that I am done. I am going into maintenance and while I know that that also takes focus - I want to be done with weight loss. I have not been successful and I know all of it has to do with my own issues surrounding food, body image, my ability (or lack there of) to really take care of myself or push myself but I am coming to the point where I need to be okay with that. I can do five more pounds, but I don't want to do ten. I don't want it badly enough and I don't even know what it means. Plus I LIKE the way I look. I'm not very self-concious about my body. I want to be stronger and fitter but I like that I'm a size 8 and I don't feel embarrassed in a swimsuit and every photo and video that's been taken of me lately - I've been pleasantly surprised.
I saw some older photos of myself, back when I was heavier, and for the first time I really appreciated my softness, my roundness. I instantly thought of the lovely round women that were painted by artists like Rubens. I look so feminine and I never appreciated that at the time. The softness of my body and the loveliness of that.
But I didn't feel good. I was doing Vinyasa power yoga at core power three times a week but I could feel my weight getting in the way of what I wanted to do - whether that was mental or physical I wasn't sure - but I was always one of the heaviest people in my classes. I was eating way too much and indulging in all of my weird emotional ties to food. So I went on weight watchers and I became really active and the weight came off fast. Then my knee went crazy and I have more or less been at the same weight ever since. It's time for me to make a truce. It's time for me to declare some boundaries and here they are. 5 more pounds, physical therapy every day, start stationary biking and spin classes so that I can start going on long rides in the summer and keep up the weight training. I still want to be a healthy and active person but I am tired of trying to lose weight. 5 more pounds - because I know I can do it and because I liked the way I looked and felt and then maintenance.
I feel really good about this.